Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤

You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?

A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.

After: sit down.

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!

Me: *holding back tears* I remember

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

TWO hops this time?

In this economy?

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.