Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
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Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
What number SPF blocks people?
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything