Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
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INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Confused owl: What?!
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
definitely did not do anything wrong
