Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you

My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!

Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser

I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

The future is now.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee

One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.

7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait

[kitchen]

SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.