*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
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People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
How do dragons blow out candles?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
