Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: you smell nice

Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse

Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys

felt that

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”

– a cephalopodcast

[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one

Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’

What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.

pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic

pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now

This week’s mood.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!

Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol

[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.

conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy

ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*