*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
You Might Also Like
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Twitter is evidence that insane people can be extremely entertaining from a safe distance.
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.