Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

When can I start eating bats again.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap

ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM

Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.

When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.

Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.

Dumple

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions

[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]

OMG a foot!