Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.

I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

4yo: I had a dream about u mommy

Me: I feel so special

4yo: I flushed u down the toilet

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.

My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”

Her:

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.