Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Haha good job!!
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.