Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”

My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back.

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!

*Pulls out 10000 spoons*

Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.

*pulls coin bucket out of freezer

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me

They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla