Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
And bowling should be called pinball
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty