Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
The Birdles
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dogs can find happiness so easily
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.