Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
🤭😂
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit