Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema