Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
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“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again