accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?