accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.