Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me*

*Prius spins out of control*

Thug life.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?

[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.

Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.