accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
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This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Discovered there’s a Bermuda Triangle in our house where all the cups and dishes go missing. Have renamed it “13yo’s Bedroom.”
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”