Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
She: I like Cats
He:
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*