Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?

007: Shaken…

Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”

SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!

HERO: Ok

SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?

HERO: I’m in

SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.

HERO: My therapist said to try new things

SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward

HERO: I’ll get my stuff

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys

Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart