Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*

One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.

“Password is incorrect”

*resets password*

“New password cannot be the same as the old password”

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*

Spider:

Me:

Spider:

Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?

Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado

Barista: What’s a furtado?

Me: It’s like a bird

when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

[wine class]

Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?

ME: wine

Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?

ME: nope, still wine

I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me

the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:

Stamps: Lickie Stickies

Defibrillators: Hearty Starty

Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby

Lamp: Lighty Brighty

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.

Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?

Me: What?

Brain: Eat brownies about it.

Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.

The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own