Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”

*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*

Werewolf 1: Edibles!

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.

[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over

Me: the warrant probably

Officer: you have a broken… what

Me: what

sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover

People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.

Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Burning witches at the stake is so 1692. Nowadays folks use a microwave coven.

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.

Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”

Is it the “S” or the “C?”

“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”

Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄

Doritos – my own personal love triangles.

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.

I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.

5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.

Me: OK, then no ice cream.

5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.