Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”

Outside: [*raining clowns*]

roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

The cashier just checked me out.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.

Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”

It was a broom! 😂🤣

Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?

I want that job. I could really screw with some people.

I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.