@KKAlThani

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”

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@SteveSuckington

[blind date]

“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”

-did you just read that off your hand?

“Hey! You’re not blind!”

@UncleDuke1969

“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”

@FrigginFrench

Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@AmyLee_W

HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?

@clichedout

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

@Swoosh61

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

@WheelTod

“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”

@Mikecanrant

Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.

@veryann0yed

Reasons to hit the gym that aren’t patriarchal beauty standards:
– outrun the cops
– outlive ur enemies
– more stamina for sex
– actually sleep at night
– get strong to fight racists
– listen to music without ppl interrupting