“I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex”
-did you just read that off your hand?
“Hey! You’re not blind!”
Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Nurse: How would you rate your pain?
Me: Zero stars
Nurse: No, on a scale of 1-10?
Me: Do not recommend.
My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
HELLO I SEE THAT YOU SLIGHTLY TOUCHED YOUR MOUSE WOULD YOU LIKE TO UPDATE JAVA?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
me: nvm ur already high lol
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Not trying to be racist or ignorant but…nnseriously, all crocodiles and alligators look alike.
Reasons to hit the gym that aren’t patriarchal beauty standards:
– outrun the cops
– outlive ur enemies
– more stamina for sex
– actually sleep at night
– get strong to fight racists
– listen to music without ppl interrupting