Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”

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Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.


People who still say ‘YOLO’ only deserve to live once anyway.


“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”

-Inventing the bread bowl


Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free


WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.


Just got arrested for racing my Segway wearing an adult diaper and a Viking helmet. Still not clear which law I broke.


*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.


[first day in hell]

Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?

Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—

Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*