@KKAlThani

Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”

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@cheers27402373

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@josePhDhoran

To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line

@AnniemuMary

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@Vice_Queen

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

@KeetPotato

[at my date’s front door]
wait, so you’ve known i was a koala the whole time?
“yeah”
[me clinging to her arm slowly eating a leaf]
how tho?

@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@shwebby3

Went off roading with my prius but ended up getting stuck on a bonsai tree in neighbor’s front yard

@Donna_McCoy

My relationships are like pharmaceutical ads. Promising at first, but they end with a string of dire warnings I wish I’d listened to.