Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”

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I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.


Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here


Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.


Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.


Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help


Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.