Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.

NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?

ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.

Ostracized? Buddy, why would I want to be turned into a bird that can’t fly?

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

You’re in a pickle…oh okay that sounds nice, can it be bread and butter please?

Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.

Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating

[returning toothpaste]

Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?

The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.