Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.

I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.

Now I don’t have any.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…

Lmao

I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

(Entering heaven)

Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?

Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?

Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News

People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.

if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

Top 5 forms of torture

5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro

We are running low on groceries, so the bread on today’s sandwiches is Eggo and the meat is also Eggo.

“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half