Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.

My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”

If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

911 – 911 what’s your emergency

Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV

911 – ….

Me – I don’t know our emergency number

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.