Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

dating apps never work for me because i need at least two years of friendship charged with weird sexual tension to even consider falling in love

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.

(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.

My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.

My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call

My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022