Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
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🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
*ernest hemingway voice*
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
“I FIXED IT!”
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?