Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
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Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Why I divorced her.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
did you know that before the crowbar was invented,
crows used to drink at home….
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired