Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
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[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I just ate the last piece of cheese in the fridge and it’s cloudy outside.
🎶 Ain’t no sunshine when cheese gone.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.