Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
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waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come