Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Oreo meeting]

What about ‘sextuple stuffed’

“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”

[later googling Sextuple]

“Omg that’s genius”

Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are

Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.

Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.

Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*

Me, studied abroad:

Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona

Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.

Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”

day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home

My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.

Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.

museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig

*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?