Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
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hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Saturday
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.