Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
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You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.