Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
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Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.