Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beer

The keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

*gets pulled over*

Do you know how fast you were going?

*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*

Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.

Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.

I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive