Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

Tell me your dreams and fantasies!

Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.

I’m not average. I’m mean.

the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe

[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]

Waiter: Your bill for-

Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?

My dad teaching me to drive

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.

This will teach them to underestimate me

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

My fortune cookie message read :

“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….

Uh huh ….

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.

I am wearing a house.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

[first day in prison]

“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”