Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.

I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

Better than a Justin Bieber concert:

1. Being deaf.

2. A rattlesnake bite.

3. Chewing razor blades.

4. Licking a public toilet seat.

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is

“The Perfect Relationship”

I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*