Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.

*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”

(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

[Commercial for narrators]

Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.

[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon

2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

Writing, She Murdered.

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store