Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These work great until they don’t.

I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone

Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy

Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.

Me: I can’t stand them more.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

If you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle while you go get something, I feel like it’s ok to run you over with said cart.

You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey

It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

Dr: How may I help?

Me: Wife says I’m overweight

D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands

[later]

Wife: How’d it go?

M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music

[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]

HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

I identify as an antique shop.

dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

[Speed dating]

Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: Answering stupid questions.

Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

Mistakes were made

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.