Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

date: I like to tell dad jokes

me: does he laugh?

date: what

[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]

do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable

Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.

so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

Date: Why are you so nervous?

Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Looks like the mayor is getting serious.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.