Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
bout dat hot dog summer
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong