Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
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today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.