Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
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[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
On my way home, a huge flock of geese was walking slowly across the road. The car behind me started honking, like it was my fault.
Oh, do you think I planned this? Am I the Goose King? Did I send out my army to battle enemy ducks? How did you know that? Are you a duck spy??
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
hello pervert is such a strong opener
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
We know he can swim but…
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
