Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
you, a host: “Mike what are you bringing to Thanksgiving?”
Me, the ultimate guest: “the most important dish of all
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.