Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
This raises questions
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
So inspired right now.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”