Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

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There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.


I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.


Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted


I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.


I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.


When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.


TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately


Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.


At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.


3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.