Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.