@RobertManchild

Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.

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@Bob_Janke

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

@HenpeckedHal

I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.

@KyleCrunk

Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted

@JimmerThatisAll

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

@ComradTwitty

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

@TwinSurvivalist

When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.

@maxlavergne

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately

@Reverend_Scott

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

@markleggett

At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.