Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
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Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
sorry i didn’t text back i was on tiktok watching a movie in 137 separate parts
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick