@StaceyShortcake

Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.

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@GlennyRodge

Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?

@jeremysmiles

So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider

@stonykal

I’m not ugly but if you see me on my moms fb then idk what to tell you 😭😭😭

@AndrewNadeau0

{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?

@PissingLaughter

Fake moms- ‘I never want to be away from my children’

Real moms- ‘You drop that pizza, I’ll put you up for adoption’

@UncleDuke1969

“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”

@stephenjmolloy

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

@a_simpl_man

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

@EllaZee5

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*