Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
You Might Also Like
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.