Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
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So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’m not ugly but if you see me on my moms fb then idk what to tell you 😭😭😭
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Fake moms- ‘I never want to be away from my children’
Real moms- ‘You drop that pizza, I’ll put you up for adoption’
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL