Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.

My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.

*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*

*watches myself not sleeping*

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

The moment Alan realised that maybe he’s not really suited to emotional support dog work after all.

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

True.

Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”

The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.

An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.

Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.

Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.