accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
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this is uni
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
😩😩😩
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening