Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.

Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.

[inventing jogging]

how can I suffer but with music

[group therapy]

me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?

voldemort: uhh no

joker: yikes

darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you

The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend

If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.

My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.

Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!

Always

I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Always leave them wanting their money back.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me