Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend

Me: That tail tho

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

HER: Mmm you smell good.

ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.

Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor

Husband:…

Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels

People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.

Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”

She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady

I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.

My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.

At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie

Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”

Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great