Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back