Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
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I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: I wish I were a bird.
Husband: So you can fly?
Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.
Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Shift.
I meant SHIFT!
Oh god.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
😂💯
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday