Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sex

fibonacci: absolutely not

BABY WARDEN: ok lights out

BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark

[pitch black]

BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.

My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.

I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..

Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”

Boss: “It’s 9am”

The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.

Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

Him: You need to be more active in your community.

My Community: NOOOOO!!!!

ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.

FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.

Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home