<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
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I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Nice try Hitler
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Come back with a warrant
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.