<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
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[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.