Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what

Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?

Husband: *eye twitches*

Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?

MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze

my dog: chomp, chomp

me: hey what’s in your mouth

my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

doctor: whats the problem?

me: my right leg is missing

doctor: no problemo

me:

doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg

me: my left leg is missing now

doctor: no problemo

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?

The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead