Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
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Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
It’s rude to tell Europeans to smile. Be cultured. Tell them to skilometer instead
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.