*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
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How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room