Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism

Dear Starbucks:

The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.

My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.

She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.

I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”

She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.

A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.

Sorry. Not sorry

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet

God: Come see this.

Angel: What is it?

God: It’s the human lifespan.

Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!

God: Fun right? Watch this.

Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?

God: I call it, 35.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*

Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job

Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

chiropractor: so what can i help u with today

me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.