Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

Never forget.

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE

I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories

Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better

If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..

Keep. Him. 😂

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.

My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.