Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.

Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.

getting corrected

I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….

Help end the violence!!!

Eat BACON!!

I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.

Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

No. He’s not coming out to play