Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
You Might Also Like
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The Backseat Boys
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples