Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.