Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Google reviews are always so mixed..
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Please do it!
