Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
I’ll be mad as hell!
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Spring of Deception
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you