Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
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Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.