Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.

Update: I’m Still single.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods

I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?

If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

Me: *curling my hair*

Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.

“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”

-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.

Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.