Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

When ur friends with white people

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

Me: Goodnight Moon.

Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

I laughed at this way too hard.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.

He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises

-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?

This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”

So I killed him…

If he comes back…He wins the argument

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over

Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.