Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Hank is one in a melon.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.