Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

wife: what time is it

me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me

Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster

I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking

To the max.. 😂

Sound on

[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

wut hotdog?

They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.

Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?