Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
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They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.